Parenting Beyond Calm: Embracing Authenticity
From Calm to Authentic: A New Approach to Parenting
Being a 'calm parent' can seem like a mystical unicorn that poops rainbows and cupcakes when your child is having a totally illogical meltdown about water being wet, if they hurt their sibling for no reason or if they’re insisting ‘ME DO IT!’ to something that they absolutely are not able to do (yet). And here lies the undpredictable nature of being a parent. Our little people’s totally unique (and sometimes REALLY ILLOGICAL) responses can be SO challenging for our logical, adult brains. It’s no wonder so many of us crave tools, parenting books, or programs to help us navigate these behaviours!
For many of us, we have the intention to share our calm, not join their chaos. But what happens if we feel the OPPOSITE of calm? How do we help our children co-regulate when we feel like we're three seconds from losing it ourselves?
Authentic Parenting: Navigating Your Child's Developmental Stages
Most of the time, the challenging, unenjoyable and frustrating moments of being a parent boils down to two things:
- Kids NOT doing things you WANT them to do
- Kids DOING things you DON'T want them to do
We call these times ‘delicious challenges’. It is in these deliciously challenging times that we have an incredible opportunity. We can let these times bring out the WORST in us, or we use these times as an opportunity to become our best. We can use power-based tools like shame, blame, lecturing, minimising, dismissing….OR we can empower our kids to make sense of what’s happening.
Sounds great in theory right? How does that LOOK in action?
The Importance of Authenticity
Instead of aiming for 'calm' - let's aim for AUTHENTIC. Authentic means responding to our children in a genuine and honest manner, acknowledging our own feelings and those of our children. When we are authentic, we model emotional honesty and resilience, showing our children that it’s okay to experience a full range of emotions and that these emotions can be managed in healthy ways. We are not pretending they don't exist - we are honouring the incredible depth of human emotion.
Authenticity is crucial because it helps build trust and connection with our children. When children see us being real and honest, they feel safe to express their own emotions. This openness fosters a secure attachment, which is the foundation for healthy brain development. Children who feel securely attached are more likely to explore their environment, develop strong social skills, and exhibit better emotional regulation. They also learn that experiencing different feelings doesn't mean they're broken - it means they're human.
Being authentic also helps us as parents to remain grounded and less reactive. By acknowledging our own feelings and taking a moment to understand them, we can respond to our children’s behaviour in a more thoughtful and intentional way. This approach reduces the likelihood of power struggles and promotes a cooperative relationship between parent and child.
Honouring the Instinct (and calling it out)
For many of us, when our kiddos behave in deliciously challenging ways, our instinct may be to take their behaviour personally. They’re doing something TO us.
We may question ourselves ‘what am I doing wrong?’ or look at them like a problem that needs fixing. If we think our children are being manipulative, our instinct may be to back away. If we think our children are being overly sensitive, we may tell them to ‘calm down’ or ‘stop being silly’. If we think our children are being too aggressive, we may punish them.
Most of us have instincts to fight each deliciously challenge stage our kiddos go through. (And just quietly? That is TOTALLY understandable).
But if we can hold onto BIG developmental picture of what is happening and understand developmental reasons for our kiddos actions, it can feel less personal and we can focus instead on creating optimal conditions for our kiddos to grow.
Moving from Instinct to Intention
Here, we lean into these delicious challenges. It’s so hard to do this if we don’t know what’s driving their behaviour and our own emotions are clouding it! Instead of trying to control or fight each challenging stage, we lean in with loving acceptance of each stage being what it is. We aim for being authentic, not calm. All feelings are ok - all behaviour is not.
The hardest thing to wrap our heads around is that the majority of our children’s challenging behaviours are totally developmentally normal childhood behaviours that we have never been shown were normal. We were made to feel they were ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’. When we were children, we may have internalised that our worthiness and our behaviour were the same. Bad behaviour = bad child. Good behaviour = good child.
But we know differently! First, we have to rewrite that ‘program’, and only then it starts coming naturally because you learn to understand yourself better. Through reflection and intention, we can walk a new way that aligns with values and ideals within us as opposed to inherited legacy and conditioning passed down to us.
By embracing authenticity in parenting, we not only nurture our children’s emotional and cognitive development but also cultivate a deeper, more meaningful connection with them. This journey, while challenging, is profoundly rewarding as we watch our children grow into confident, emotionally intelligent individuals.
